wall of pain

Our Wall of Pain, Is it Unbearable? Is There Help?

Do you have a wall of pain?

1 Samuel 24:11-12

“Look, my father! Indeed, see the hem of your robe in my hand! Since I cut off the hem of your robe and did not kill you, know and understand [without question] that there is no evil or treason in my hands. I have not sinned against you, though you are lying in wait to take my life. May the Lord judge between me and you; and may the Lord avenge me on you; but my hand shall not be against you.

Have you ever been so hurt in your life that all you want is revenge? That anger, pain, it just does not let up. Even many years later there is that wall of pain. It becomes a barrier to a happier life. It becomes part of you.

wall of pain
a hand writing the word pain in blue marker

I have been through counseling for over 11 years, and am in counseling again. But I still have traces of these strongholds in my life. Do not get me wrong, the advice is why I am able to function as well as I do.

Intimacy in my marriage has been the most significant barrier for me. I know God says that two become one. I see that, am comfortable with that until it gets to the marriage bed.

My shame, my fear of being abused holds me back. Then that causes problems in the marriage. Intimacy is the mystery of marriage, it makes two into one.

The image of God, where three become one. God, husband, and wife all become one.Then on top of it, my husband has a porn addiction. Between my past abuse and his porn addiction, I was about ready to build my wall of pain up so high that no man could get through.

I will not go into the ugly details of how bad his addiction got. But, I will say that for about 10 years I let my emotions control me. Unlike David in the scripture above who restrained himself. I blamed my husband for everything that was wrong.

For me being a single parent again, for the loneliness, for my pain, my depression, everything. I did not hold back one word, one emotion. I threatened divorce so many times it is not funny. The wall of pain was so strong.

The thing is God held us together. Why I have an inkling but do not see the whole story yet.We still do not live together. But by me submitting to the Lord and letting Him break my wall of pain, we have found peace and love.

Now when my husband calls me, I do not feel this hatred, but I enjoy talking to him. See, what it took was for me to admit to the Lord that I messed up too. It was not only him. I had to look at myself instead of pointing fingers at my husband and blaming him. I had to let the Lord change him instead of me trying to change him.

Ultimately I had to submit to the Lord to take avenge for me as David did with Saul. It is not my job to judge, it is God’s job.

God is healing my marriage, we are currently on a waiting list to get help in finding our home together. In the meantime, we pray, worship, and learn about the Lord together. We work on bettering our financial situation.

When we are separate, we go to the Lord on our own and work on our personal relationship with the Lord. Only this way do we see that when God lets us live together again will it last.

Is there a significant pain that you need to release to the Lord and let Him take avenge for you? I am here to pray with you about it, to listen if you need someone to talk to. I do not have the answers, but My Lord does. It is not easy to let go and let God do the work. But I will tell you once you can release it the relief you will feel is tremendous!

Prayer:Lord, you are so beautiful, the way you take care of each of us as we open up to you. Lord comfort those hurting some of those very deep hurts. Let them know they are not alone. You are there with them. IN Jesus name Amen

Outside sources

Christian views on marriage – Wikipedia
Marriage is the legally or formally recognized intimate and complementing union of two people as spousal partners in a personal relationship The basic …

BBC – Religions – Christianity: Marriage and weddings
Jun 23, 2009 The different wedding ceremonies and teachings about marriage among Christian churches.

What Is Christian Marriage?
What is a Christian marriage? Is there any difference between a regular marriage and a biblical marriage?

The 7 Commandments of Christian Marriage
The 7 Commandments of Christian Marriage, Ron Edmondson – Read more Christian engagement and marriage advice, Biblical help.

God’s Design for Marriage | Focus on the Family
Find the key to making your marriage flourish — just as God designed. … As Christians, we know that applying biblical principles to marriage will give us a …

Rekindling Intimacy | Focus on the Family
Reclaim and redeem the beautiful gift of sexual intimacy in your marriage. … But Christians don’t need to accept the idea that a healthy sex life is merely a naïve …

Marital Intimacy Is More Than Sex | Desiring God
Mar 2, 2016 There are at least five different types of intimacy. When we keep all five functioning, we have marriages that feel profoundly connected. … This is no surprise to the Christian, as God instructs man to delight in these activities …

Sexual Intimacy Begins With the Heart – Dr. David Christian …
Editor’s Note: Do you need sound, Biblically-based advice on an issue in your marriage or family? Dr. David Hawkins, director of the Marriage Recovery Center,  …

True Intimacy in Marriage
Some Christians have a negative attitude toward sex. … a list of suggestions you’ d like to give to your spouse that would make marriage intimacy better for you.

Christian Sex (6 Steps to Hot Monogamy!)
This article will show you how to have fulfilling Christian sex within marriage. … In addition, sexual intimacy creates a chemical connection that binds two people …

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