Growing In The Lord

Thankful That I Am Growing In The Lord

Growing In The Lord

I am so thankful that I am growing, that I am listening to God more, that I am not letting fear stop me as much.

Let me tell you what I mean.

Growing In The Lord

A month ago, someone I know told me something that really set me back in my grieving process for my father.  I truly think Satan used her, but that’s another whole can of worms that I am not going to get into here.

I told her how much I was looking forward to April, to going to see my mom, to talk about my grief, my feelings.  She told me that I really shouldn’t count on talking to my mother about anything, that it would be selfish for me to try, and that I should honestly be more considerate of her feelings.  I was shocked.  I needed to do this!  I needed to talk to her!  She was the only one who could understand some of what I am feeling.  How was I going to find my healing if I could not do this?  Yes, God is all, and God is enough, but honestly, I now know God put this desire in my heart.

Growing In The Lord

For a month, I was depressed about this.  I still wanted to make the trip; I was doing it for her, but not so much for me anymore.  Because, let’s face it…  I am selfish, I am a horrible daughter because all I care about is my own grief, my own feelings.  I need to look to her and her needs and mine don’t matter.  And if I think they do, well then my attitude is totally wrong, and I need to pray that God would help me change it quick, fast, and in a hurry.  These were the lies I was telling myself.  I then started having dreams that my daddy was mad at me.  He was alive, but mad at me.  And I didn’t know why.

Saturday, it all came out.  Let me just say that 5 years ago, maybe even 3, I wouldn’t have done this.  I would have let the guilt consume me and probably found a way to avoid the trip, avoid being afraid I’d grieve and not be able to keep it in check.  I decided, on this sunny Saturday, to check in with my mom.  I asked her how she was doing.  She said ok today, but how was I?  I told her about the dreams because I had had one the night before.  I honestly wanted to know if she thought there would be any reason he’d be mad.  She said that she didn’t know why he would be; at the end, he said I was the only one who kept in contact, that even my sister only did so the last month.  She wondered if I was subconsciously feeling guilty.  I said probably.  She said that maybe when I come it will help.  She said I could talk to him in the bedroom; that is where the urn with his ashes is.  I will add that what she did was get a double urn.  That’s why she has the ashes at this point, and they will bury it with both their ashes when she dies.  Very romantic, to my way of thinking.  Anyway, I know my dad is no longer in this urn, not really.  I know that he is in heaven with Jesus, that if I wanted to get a message to him, I could ask God to give it to him here or there.  But something about being there, where his last remnants are, sounds like a good thing to me.  I think I need to do this.

I told her my fear was making it worse for her.  She said I would not.  I told her, if I talk about him, it could be more painful for her.  She said she wanted to talk about him, that she felt we all needed to.  Yes, she has not been sentimental in the past but I know her better than this person who told me this does.  She told me to follow my heart, not what someone tells me.

I have to say that being honest about this is one of the hardest things I have ever done, if not the hardest.  I actually told her, even though she raised me to be tough, to move on, I can’t do that right now.  Apparently, neither can she.  We are drawn together by a need; this is deeper than either of us has experienced.

What if I had clung to my fear?  What if I hadn’t followed God’s nudge to contact her?  What if I was where I was 5 years ago?  I shudder to think!

Sometimes, I think, I really am not improving.  I am not growing.  I am not changing.  But then, something like this happens, and I realize that yes, God is truly working on me, and I am stronger, more mature, through Him, than I was.  The process is happening; I am becoming more Christ-like, slowly but surely.

Thank you, Heavenly Father, for my earthly father and his love, how he showed me Your love in a small way.  Thank You for my growth, o Lord, for Your continued work in me.

In Jesus’ Name, Amen!

Growing In The Lord
growing in the lord
Seedlings and words above them say grow in the Lord

How have you noticed spiritual growth in yourself over the past few weeks, months, or years?  How has God been working on you?  Let me know in the comments.

By the way, last night, I had a dream where my daddy was alive again.  But this time, I ran to him and threw my arms around him, and he hugged me back and was happy to see me.  Yes, god is bringing about healing, and He is using connection, my connection to my mother, to do it.  We will help each other, and isn’t that how god designed us as humans to function?

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1 thought on “Thankful That I Am Growing In The Lord”

  1. So incredibly powerful and insightful. Well written. Grief was never meant to be stuffed or denied. Way to press forward in faith, Nikki. Keep pressing on.

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