What I Deserve
Have you ever thought about your life? Really sat back and looked at things around you, people who love you and thought about what you deserve? I had that experience this morning. I woke up, all the good people around me and I wanted to cry. An overwhelming sense of how God did not give me what I deserve.
what I deserve
This past week Gabe and I are at my in laws house visiting my husband and them. They are all such good people. My mother in law has been my husbands caretaker just about his whole life. Every bad decision he, or I made she was always right there to help. To go in the trenches and dig him out. He has lived with his mom for 40 some years. She lovingly supports and guides us to seek God first.
They let me sleep in. I am sleeping in her house, and they were quiet so I could sleep in this morning! I look back at my life, look back at my marriage. I think about all the pain we caused my in laws. She still loves me. The first thought that came to me was how I do not deserve this family! I am crying now at how God works it all out. When my husband and I were separated, I fell to my knees and cried out to the Lord. He reassured me that I would live with my husband again. My mother in law has been right there through it all with us. It has been 14 long years of my husband and I realizing only way this is going to work is God’s way.
What I deserve
What we do deserve is I living as a single mother living on assistance with no family to help. That is what my decisions would have brought. Moving thousands of miles from my family of origin, stubborn, bullheaded, independent woman I was. My husband and his sins. But that is not what God had in store for us.
What we have is my in laws, in particular my mother in law. Praying, faithful, God fearing wonderful woman. Who has taught me how to be the wife, the praying loving wife that supports my husbands growth. And such wonderful growth he has done! He has become such a loving and supportive husband. He quietly left the room as I slept, he makes my breakfast and coffee, he cleans without being asked, and he respects my boundaries.
what I deserve
Before I met my current husband I prayed for a Christian husband. I wanted to experience raising a child with a man who loves the Lord too. What I did not know is that I was not at a point to be the loving Christian wife. So, God gave me a husband that I could grow with and learn to be the Christian couple with. God gave me what He knew I needed rather than what I wanted. I am so grateful that God knows so much more than I do.
Please keep following my posts, in the next year God is doing something big. I feel it, I see it. I just cannot share it. But I can say it has to do with my husband and I finally able to live together again. I will share what has kept us apart for so long. We are both living on disability so do not have enough money to pay full rent or buy a home. There is no way physically possible he and I could live in the same house, or apartment. But, when I can, I will share with you all how God provided a home for us. So, please stay tuned!